Accepting the Gifts of Grief
Grief is a deep ocean current. Sadness is a wave. When the rip current of grief catches you, it’s best to give in. Putting off the grieving process by shoving it down or off to the side is denying yourself a chance for a sense of renewal that only grieving can give.
Before my father died last year, I had trouble accepting grief. “What was there to grieve?”
I reasoned. I got the long, extended goodbye that heart disease and pulmonary fibrosis allows. I was lucky enough to be able to drive the 5 hours to see him every few weeks for the last two years of his life.
Driving on those long trips between Dallas and Galveston, I felt sad. I cried. I listened to some of his favorite songs. I remembered our sunrise fly fishing trips in the bay and thought about how I would miss them when he was gone.
Then I would yell out, “Stop crying! There’s no reason to be this sad! Dad is still alive!” To assuage my feelings, I called dad. I told him I loved him and that he was a great dad.
“Thank you, Baby,” he said, every time, with the sound of the oxygen tank overpowering his voice.
After we hung up, I didn’t feel better.
Dad and I last spoke on his birthday a year ago today. Not until after his death a few weeks later did I realize that my suppressed grief caused me pain while he was still alive. I had been feeling sad on the drives home without understanding that the sadness was an invitation to inquire a little deeper.
If I’d given myself the chance to probe into my despair, I would have noticed that a strong current of grief waited underneath to help me restore.
Because of COVID-19, we are all experiencing losses and endings. We all have something to grieve. Find a moment of stillness and listen to your thoughts. Are you judging your reaction to what you are experiencing? Do you think your small losses are not worthy enough to be grieved? What is ending for you? Make peace with your losses and endings, so you don’t have to carry them with you. Be patient with yourself. Self-compassion and self-care are helpful methods to help you attune to the stillness you need to hear your thoughts. Validate each loss you are dealing with, no matter how large or small. When you acknowledge your losses, you will have more time and more space in your heart for yourself and others.
Grief is a deep ocean current. Like the deep water currents in the ocean that serve to return nutrients to the surface, grief brings the gift of renewal — instilling a sense of uplifting light-heartedness and grace.
These restorative powers give you the strength to carry on. You don’t get this gift until you stop what you are doing and acknowledge the loss, accept the death. Hear grief’s invitation to ride the current so that you can live more fully here and now.
